How To Stop Masturbating Excessively: And How to Productively Channel Sexual Energy

It's healthy, and normal. But learning how to stop masturbating excessively-- you and only you determine what's excessive! --then read on...

.....Because excessive masturbating can cause you to lose motivation to engage with the world, therefore diminishing your chances of attracting your dream partner!
Let's get the pretense out of the way first: This is for both boys and girls.



There's an assumption in our society that boys masturbate and girls really don't. Maybe so. But I'd wager to say that it's just more culturally acceptable for men to admit to masturbating.

Do you remember when it used to be true that masturbation caused blindness? Poor Ray Charles. He went blind at age seven.

In this post I will present a step by step guide on how you can stop masturbating uncontrollably in order to allow the space and energy for your dream partner to come into your life. But first, why am I even talking about masturbating?

I grew up in Kenya, and in my culture we don't even have a word for masturbation. Or if there's a word for it, nobody told me. I'll bet there are many other cultures around the world where the act of touching one's genitals isn't even named, never spoken out loud. It's like an abomination. Does than mean young boys and girls in these cultures never discover how to touch themselves? Of course they do. It's natural, and it even feels good.

The first time ever that I openly talked about masturbation, I was in my mid-twenties if you can believe that. By then I was married and had just had my daughter. My friend and neighbor Elise who had been to college in the US had recently come back, and she had obviously been influenced by the sordid, sexually permissive American culture.

"How often do you masturbate?" asks Elise, chuckling cheekily.

She's addressing no one in particular, but it's a humid Saturday afternoon in Mombasa, and we're nursing our new born babies in her cozy little living room. My best friend Gracie, usually known for her bluntness, shifts her gaze around the room uneasily. Elise knows she's treading on very uncomfortable ground for us, but she loves to poke and prod that way.

No answer, just nervous laughter.

"Everybody masturbates," continues Elise, obviously enjoying the squeamish looks from Gracie and me.  "Or as they say, '99% of people masturbate, and 1% are liars'".

I'd never heard that one before, but it's both comforting and funny.

I could not believe that Elise was implying out loud that she masturbated. Aren't you supposed to be embarrassed, or filled with guilt and/or shame for touching your own genitals.....let alone admitting that you even got pleasure out of it?

Masturbation is Perfectly Fine
A couple years later however, after moving to the US, I'd hear more masturbation jokes than I cared to recount, but even more importantly, I'd completely lose my discomfort talking about masturbation.

Do I really think everybody masturbates? No. I don't even that think 1% are liars -- obviously some people are conditioned enough by religion and negative beliefs about sex that they are scared shitless to touch their own genitals.

A few years ago I dated a guy, a former Mormon boy who told me that he didn't masturbate until he was 21, in college, the same year he discovered porn. Of course he hasn't stopped since, even through his marriage.

So much for religion teaching us to be nice little boys and girls who don't do "bad" things.

I tell you all this to clarify one point that cannot be overstated: There's absolutely nothing wrong with masturbating. It's normal, natural, most people do it. And by the way, I've yet to come across a sexually-driven adult who can swear they've NEVER masturbated.

That having been said, there is such thing as too much masturbation. This is the point at which loving up on yourself starts to have a negative effect on your ability to attract an amazing human being to love up on.

It is also the point at which getting yourself off interferes with your ability to enjoy regular sex with a partner.

Too much of a good thing....
An exboyfriend once told me that he dated a girl that couldn't have an orgasm unless he used a vibrator on her. While I'm not saying that I necessarily think masturbation made her that way, I wonder how much of her belief that she can ONLY orgasm with a vibrator was keeping her stuck.

Jude, a 35 year old male client of mine who hadn't had a "real girlfriend" -as he put it- since his early 20's was in the same boat. He couldn't come when having sex with someone else unless he jerked himself off. Of course this was starting to wear thin on his non-existent confidence.

Can you be addicted to Masturbating?
I don't mean to brag but I'm not a psychologist, so I won't get into the politics of psychology to argue about what is or isn't an addiction. What I know is that there are quite a few people suffering from what they consider an inability to control how much or how often they masturbate. And for some people it's bad enough that it interferes with their daily lives: work, school, relationships, etc.  Let's call it a compulsion.

Sex and food(/water) are our base survival instincts. Maslow's hierarchy of needs lists other basic needs such as breathing and homeostasis and excretion, but please. When is the last time you had to go without breathing? And who cares if there isn't a bathroom near you when you gotta go? You'll go. If you have to go in the middle of a board meeting, you'll go.

You get my point.

Sex and food are the two main needs that are basic yet that we are also expected to be able to regulate in terms of frequency and amount. Whereas everybody is in agreement that you need to eat when you get hungry, not so with sex. If you rob a grocery store because you needed food, people are more likely to show you compassion than ire.

There are many cultures in which sex is more readily available than food. (Yes, to guys -but you mostly don't want to live there anyway). So think about starving populations next time you're wasting food having sex with it, ahem, perverted  first  worlders ;)

How to stop the compulsion to masturbate willy-nilly
1.  Reduce the amount of porn you watch - this is especially relevant to guys. These days all the porn you could ever ask for is right under your nose, a mouse click away, day or night. This isn't about to change- easily accessible porn isn't going anywhere any time soon, so best to learn how to manage it.

For some people, porn is a way to kill boredom, loneliness or even deadly discontent. But these things are just symptoms of a larger problem, not the problem itself.

Nothing wrong with watching porn, but do you find yourself mindlessly clicking from site after porn site whenever you have a free moment? You're no better than a person addicted to unhealthy food. You're seeking to satisfy a gaping hole that only gets deeper with every click of the next most impossible (for you!) sex scene.

The ramifications? After 3 hours of clicking around from one porn site to another what do you have to do? Relieve yourself of course. Afterwards you're too depleted to go out and meet potential partners. And so it goes.

Meanwhile, your friend Jason has been out practicing his dating skills, as in talking to real girls in real time, but when he comes back and tells you he got laid, by a real girl in real time, you convince yourself that it must be because he's a jerk and girls like jerks anyway.

2. Conduct a 30-day no orgasm trial. Researchers tell us that  it takes 21 days for a practice to become a habit. So, 30 days gives you the necessary foundation plus an extra week just to be sure. The basic idea with 30-day trials is that you pick something you wish to become a part of who you are, and you journal about your experience, preferably publicly.

You don't have to journal everyday, but at the very least share your trial experience with someone. If you fall along the way - as is typical with 30-day trials- you pick yourself up, dust yourself off and keep going. Giving up is not an option. You complete the 30 day trial, no matter the temptations and failings along the way.

Pete completed his 40 days of no orgasms without a problem because he just is that disciplined. Plus he was doing it for fun reasons, to test himself, plus he wasn't actually addicted to anything. But even he shared with me that it was really really hard, so to speak!


For some people, porn is a way to kill boredom, loneliness or even deadly discontent.


The reason you masturbate compulsively is because you give yourself permission to. If you decide to quit drinking too much alcohol, what is the first thing you need to do? That's right. You throw out the alcohol. And then you stop hanging around alcoholics.

In the same way, to quit masturbating compulsively, it makes sense to block your favorite porn sites, the ones you log into on autopilot. Stop going to the bar, so to speak, if you expect to get your alcohol addiction under control.

When you find sexual energy building up, and you have no one but yourself to sex up, channel it into a more constructive outlet. This won't be easy, but with determination and persistence, you can form the discipline to create the person that you want to become.

Go to the gym, run, exercise, or pour the energy into a creative project.

You can also learn to circulate the sexual energy in your body instead of dispersing it needlessly and leaving yourself constantly depleted of vital force. This is a bit of a complicated process, and if this is the first time you're hearing of it,  you can read it in David Deida's book here.

That book should be require reading, especially for sexually and emotionally challenged guys. Part Seven in that book is dedicated  to teaching you the intricacies of the practice of re-circulating sexual energy, and the same principles can be used by both men and women.

3. Stop spending too much time alone - while alone time is quite healthy for those who desire it, spending all your time alone is definitely no way to get laid.

Realize that I'm only talking to the person desiring healthy sex with another person, but meets that need through only masturbation.

If you're not practicing to be a recluse, it makes sense to go out and socialize. Again, not easy, I know. Socializing can be daunting to a lot of people, especially when it means we're trying to meet potential dates. But it is only by getting out of our comfort zones that we are rewarded with the fulfillment of our desires.

By pushing yourself to do things that scare you, like risking social rejection, you grow and learn.

4. Schedule your masturbation - This may sound funny to some people, but if you're a sexually active person, we know sexual desire is a reality, whether or not you have a partner. If you're a 20 year old guy with raging hormones, even worse -- horniness is bombarding you faster than amateur sites can post "two girls and anything you'd like to see". Which brings us right back to that autopilot porn we talked about earlier :(

Again, this is the equivalence of eating to live versus living to eat. Surely you don't live to watch porn, reason being that no matter how much of it you watch, you'll never have enough of it. You can get sick of it, and you will, just like a food addict will get sick of eating crap.

Instead of mindlessly watching whatever your mouse provides that day, and for however long you can get away with it, schedule a time of day that is specifically for masturbating.

For example, you can choose to watch 30 minutes of porn, masturbate right after (or during) and be done with it. Set a timer. I'm serious. When it's over, it's over. Maybe even ask a friend to hold you accountable to this. And don't be ashamed, you'd be surprised the skeletons in other peoples' closets.

Scheduling a time to masturbate helps you in two ways. One, when you find yourself compelled to masturbate, you can remind yourself that you indeed plan on doing so at 9.30, therefore it won't feel like you're denying yourself. In that way the sense of urgency is diminished. Secondly, you begin to feel better about yourself, strengthening your self esteem,  because you know that you have a sense of self control and discipline, even when it comes to such a survival base instinct as sex.



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